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Thrill ’Em With Kindness

It seems like every midlife woman I know is running anxious these days. Recently, two good friends revealed they were feeling particularly edgy, for no good reason. Sure, the holiday madness wasn't helping. But they couldn't quite explain why they were waking up in the middle of the night, hearts beating fast, worried about this or that. Or experiencing an unfamiliar sense of dread during the day.

According to a 2014 study cited by the Center for Treatment of Anxiety Disorders in the UK, anxiety levels peak between 45 and 60, when health, family, career and finance issues tend to creep up. Women may have it worse, as we're simultaneously bombarded with hormonal changes and all their lovely symptoms.

I was feeling some of that vague anxiety earlier in the season. I found myself unexplicably worried about my daughter who's off at college, stressing about my son's eyesight because he's been spending too much time on the computer, and waking at 4 a.m. thinking about my mom who's in a nursing home.

Then, my family and I volunteered at a local food pantry. After spending just a couple hours outside, assembling bags of groceries to deliver to neighborhood seniors, I felt lighter than I had in weeks. Could it be this easy? Could doing good deeds actually regulate my nervous system and help me feel calmer and more centered?

As it turns out, yes.

Studies have consistently shown that acts of altruism, no matter how large or small, improve mood and physical health. According to research at the Center for Medical Humanities, Compassionate Care and Bioethics at New York’s Stony Brook University, giving activates the brain’s mesolimbic pathway and releases chemicals that contribute to feelings of inner peace, tranquility and purpose. Those who perform kind acts have lower blood pressure, less anxiety and depression, as well as lower risks of dementia and cardiovascular problems.

This idea that our sense of wellbeing skyrockets when we do something nice for others is something I touch on with my friend, life coach and author Gia Duke, on the More Beautiful Podcast. We talk about how this is the perfect time of year—and life—to give back and support the causes you're passionate about. Gia says you can make a difference just by performing thoughtful acts throughout the day, and those actions will have a ripple effect. The people you bestow kindness upon will, in turn, be nicer to others. Everyone pays it forward.

Around the time I recorded this episode with Gia, I found myself in the post office witnessing a middle-aged clerk spreading verbal venom around the room. He was yelling at the customers who approached his desk, and snapping at colleagues who weren't doing things to his liking. At one point he even declared that he "hated Christmas" and all the annoying people and packages that come with it. Just as I was thinking about the complaint letter I would draft when I got home, I remembered something my mom once told me—that people who lash out are often dealing with serious inner turmoil—and got an idea: I'd write a letter, but a different one I had originally imagined.

"To the handsome clerk who assisted me this morning..." my love note began. It went on to point out the clerk's virtues (I must admit, this part was challenging): nice eyes, strong work ethic. Then, I gently reminded him that when he smiles he's even more attractive. I signed the letter, "From your secret admirer" and mailed it to the post office using the employee number on my receipt.

Who knows, maybe the guy will rip open the envelope, scoff, and go back to being Scrooge. But my holiday wish is that instead, he gets a kick out of the note and maybe, just maybe, acts a little less grumpy that day. Or at least for the next 10 minutes.

We can only try, right? Whether your good deads this month are acts of service, donations, or simply words of kindness, they're what this season of the year (and yes, our lives) is all about. It's incredibly fulfilling to make someone's day. And, who knows, you just might calm your own nerves—and make yourself a little jollier—in the process.

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Have a More Beautiful Holiday...

A few things that I think will make your month more fun.

WATCH: A good holiday flick. Yes, they're hard to find, but they do exist. If you're tired of the old standbys (It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Elf...), these recently released flicks offer non-cringey acting and decent (albeit corny) plots: Falling For Christmas, the Lindsay Lohan vehicle that will remind you of Goldie Hawn's Overboard; Spirited, Ryan Reynolds and Will Farrell's musical interpretation of A Christmas Carol; and The Noel Diary, starring This Is Us' Justin Hartle.

If you're looking for something with a nonholiday theme, catch up on all the award-winning shows you didn't have time to screen during the year. More Beautiful's list of Best-to-Binge Series will have you all caught up by the new year.

LISTEN: To the perfect seasonal playlist. If you're hosting a holiday party or just looking for background music while you're wrapping presents, stream More Beautiful's holiday ​Spotify playlist. My gift to you, it includes more than three dozen songs—featuring everyone from Mariah Carey to Kelly Clarkson—to lift your mood and ring in the season.

EAT: Cake. Duh. I was just explaining to my kids what January 6 signifies (and I'm not talking about the dreadful event at the Capitol). Three wise men, North Star, gifts to baby Jesus. An occasion like that certaintly deserves its own dessert. No matter your faith, commemorate Three Kings Day with a scrumptious Tres Leches Cake. Because we all need more calcium in midlife.

DRINK: An authentic Irish coffee. My recent trip to Dublin reignited my taste for this comforting wintertime beverage, which was first introduced to Americans via a now-famous cafe in San Francisco. One rainy night last week, my husband, a few friends and I visited the Buena Vista, which is still serving up to 2,500 Irish coffees a day. Here's a great recipe for whipping up this festive drink at home.

GIVE: Awesome holiday presents. If you're still scrambling, take a deep breath, I've got you covered. Here are more than 100 last-minute gifts you can buy on Amazon Prime for everyone on your list. You got this.

PAMPER: With a few well-deserved self-care goodies. In order to break the nasty habit of microwaving my cup of Joe when it gets cold (c'mon, you know you've done it too), I'm loving my Ember mug, which keeps my coffee (or Irish coffee...kidding) warm until noon. And, if you're like me and waking up with occasional neck pain (an all-too-common midlife occurence): Show those stiff muscles who's boss with a soothing neck and back massager. The little things, ladies.

SPLURGE: On a pair of highly recommended Lunya washable silk pajamas that encourage luxurious lounging. I haven't tried these pricey PJs, but I'm tempted to put them on my list for Santa, along with the matching sleep mask and world peace.

READ: A book to a do-gooder child you know. Encourage younger kids to make a difference in the world with this adorable picture-book series that steers them in the right direction.

CONSIDER: “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." —Pablo Picasso

More Beautiful will be back with more stories and podcast conversations in mid-January. In the meantime, wishing you and yours a beautiful and relaxing holiday season!

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