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Midlife Got Me Lookin' So Crazy Right Now

So here’s the thing. Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems.

Someone recently said to me, “You’ve been traveling so much, and you went to the Grammy Awards? You have such a glamorous life!”

Yes, I’m beyond grateful that I got to visit some new places last year, and that I got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend a star-studded awards show. But the Maryann you see on social media is very different from the real-life Maryann. I spend most days sitting at my desk in sweatpants, with my gray roots peeking through a messy bun, or carrying my elderly dog up and down the stairs because she’s going blind. Most evenings you’ll find me not at fancy parties, but in the kitchen cooking and cleaning, hoping my teenage son bestows a smile upon me and that my brain is sharp enough to finish the daily Wordle.

While I’m generally calm and upbeat, my inner life is occasionally a tangle of worry and grief, especially in the darkest hours of the night. Sometimes I lie awake thinking about my mom losing her memory to Alzheimer’s, a brother who’s alienated himself from our extended family, and the loss of too many loved ones to name—especially my dad, who died from a massive heart attack when he was 46. I keep my mood lifted through running and Pilates, but lately I’ve been trudging through workouts, wondering where my stamina and muscle tone have gone. Like many of you, I’m juggling work and household duties while striving to keep a 33-year-old relationship fresh, making sure my kids become functioning adults, and sliding into an imminent menopause.

I think that covers most of it.

I say all this not to garner sympathy, but to emphasize that every single one of us is going through our midlife sh**. For many people I know, it’s much worse. Some are dealing with drug-addicted teens, serious medical problems, divorce or death of a partner, layoffs and bankruptcies. Others are facing mental-health challenges related to many of the above issues and exacerbated by the hormone changes that come with perimenopause or menopause.

The bottom line is that many women in our age group are feeling frustrated, confused and alienated from themselves, and with good reason. Life as we know it is changing, for better or worse. But one thing I've realized is that how I end up viewing and handling challenges that are thrown my way depends so much on the people with whom I surround myself.

That is, one thing that's keeping me sane right now is my friendships.

On the most recent episode of the More Beautiful Podcast, life coach and entrepreneur Jen Marples and I talk about how many of us are redefining friendship during this life stage and looking for deep and meaningful connections. We need friendships with women who are honest about what’s happening with themselves, both internally and externally, instead of glazing over everything and pretending life is perfect. Women who are kind and compassionate, give you their undivided attention, and support all your crazy ideas. Women who have grace and forgive you when you ccasionally disappoint them. Women who think you’re beautiful even when you show up at lunch with dark circles under your eyes and your shirt on backwards (guilty as charged). And women who are funny. Because if you can’t laugh about sagging jowls and incontinence, what the hell can you laugh about?

Your friends remind you that you’re wonderful exactly the way you are at any moment—whether you're giddily trying on dresses for the Grammys, or standing in front of the refrigerator, simultaneously crying and devouring leftover Kung Pao chicken (again, guilty as charged). And because many of them are experiencing the same issues as you, talking to them can feel like therapy. If you're a smartypants who needs scientific evidence, how about this: One 2019 study found that the strength of a person’s social circle was a better predictor of self-reported stress, happiness and well-being levels than fitness-tracker data on physical activity, heart rate and sleep.

If you’ve been rethinking the state of your current friendships, have just gone through a major life transition, or simply want to attract more likeminded people into your universe, it’s absolutely not too late—or, as Jen puts it, not too f*** late—to make new friends, build community and find your people.

More Tips For Getting Back On Track

Besides reaching out to a good friend, here are some other strategies to employ if you're feeling off-balance:

Deal with your issues. If you don’t handle your physical and emotional baggage now, then when? Be honest with your OB/GYN about any hormone-related issues you're having (she’s heard it all), demand more than 20 minutes in the exam room, and find a new healthcare provider if you don’t feel heard. In case you missed it, a recent New York Times article addressed the fact that even the most highly educated females are confused about common menopause symptoms and how they can be treated, and that even the best doctors haven't received enough menopause-related training. Aside from the physical mayhem, mood swings, depression, anxiety and other mental-health concerns can peak during midlife, and often it’s hard to tell if they’re hormone-related and/or triggered by past trauma that's now bubbling up to the surface (as things do at this life stage). Either way, consult your doctor and get to the bottom of these matters, before they start affecting your health and relationships in insidious ways.

Go easy on yourself. While it’s important to stay active and embrace a healthy lifestyle, forgive yourself when you veer off course. Would you berate a good friend for skipping a workout or devouring a bag of chips? Sometimes it’s just as restorative to crawl into bed with a good book (or, let's face it, a fun Netflix series) than it is to take a hike. Remember, you're still the powerhouse you always were, but your body is going through changes and you should be patient with it. One of my favorite podcast guests, author Kate Codrington, likens midlife to the chrysalis stage of a butterfly, when it becomes necessary to cocoon for a while. If you grant yourself this down time, you’ll eventually re-emerge into your “second spring” with renewed energy and purpose.

Clear your calendar for joy. Jen really believes in this, and we talk about it during our friendship conversation. With midlife comes the realization that you can't do all the things, all the time. Whenever possible, say "no" to what drains you, in order to make room for the things you care about. Whether it's painting, salsa dancing, or playing tennis, pencil in time for ativities that make you happy or put you in the creative zone.

In the weeks ahead, I’ll be writing and talking more about these topics that I know are top of mind for many of you. If you feel there’s something else you’d like to read in the More Beautiful newsletter or hear about on the podcast, please reach out on Instagram and let me know. Also, I've been giving a lot of thought to how I can use social media to best support and connect with you, in a way that feels authentic. So, you may see a different Maryann out there soon, and I invite you to come out and say hi.

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